dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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