In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
