I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
