Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize