I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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