I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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