This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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