yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
