Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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