Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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