Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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