I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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