I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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