i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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