Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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