her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
