You can't special order awesome
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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