Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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