I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
