you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
