I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I will be naked everywhere
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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