i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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