I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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