part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
