i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
