I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
