First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
