Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
