I think I won the penis lottery.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
