will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
