Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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