I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
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