New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
