I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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