Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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