She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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