I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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