he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
