I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
