Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
