I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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