his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
