i was born a porn star she said
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
