Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
