I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
