turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
