u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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