It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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