Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You left your phone here
Wait...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
