Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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