yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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