wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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