All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
