after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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