Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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